This Day Feels Like A Whole Week

So, my second post for the day...and I must say that the events of today, that lasted a span of a mere 12 hours have felt like a weeks worth of events. I last wrote 6 hours ago, sitting waiting to go into an audition about how frustrated I was with my day and that sometimes we just have to move through these things.

And now, within the past 6 hours, I am singing a completely different tune. Allow me to elaborate.

After my audition for the Actor's Project NYC (which was great...I could tell that the dude was interested and I made him laugh, he asked me to sing something and told me I had a very "commercial" look, which I guess is a good thing) I went down to visit Dayna at Think Coffee. I sat down and wrote down some very existential emo-thoughts about the flow of the city and numbness, etc, and then Sean came in from the Strand and we set off together.

We had planned to gather a group of us to look through a musical that Sean really wants to work through called "Falsettoland" by William Finn, with whom, at this point, after working through "A New Brain" and "25th Annual Putnam Co. Spelling Bee" I am very familiar. I love singing his music....it makes my voice feel so full and juicy. But even just SITTING next to Sean on the subway reminded me how powerful human connection is. Just being able to sit next to someone I care about and respect made me feel better after my crummy day. Standing there next to the coffee bar watching Dayna make drinks and blab about my frustrations made me feel better. No matter where technology takes us in the future, there is just no substitute for human contact.

Which brings me to my next point...you can read all the "How to Succeed" books you want to, take everyone's tips about New York and try the best you can to ford your own stream, but nobody ever really tells you that it is VITAL to have a support network of friends when you move here. I am very lucky to have a support network mirrored to the one I had at UNC. After hitting my first hurdle today, I know they are necessary to my survival here. Like I said, human contact, even without words, as simple as sitting next to Sean on the subway, relieved alot of tension and turmoil that I was feeling. So yeah, in the future, if anyone asks me what to do about moving to New York, the first thing I'll say is, "Make absolutely sure that you bring a friend. 1o? Even better."

Later that night, Sean, Dayna and I ventured to William and Geoff's apartment where everyone was kind enough to listen to the songs I've been preparing for a Singer's Showcase performance on Sunday night. I'm singing "Still Hurting" from Jason Robert Brown's "The Last 5 Years" and "Vanilla Ice Cream" from "She Loves Me". Contrasting pieces....but dude, emotionally draining. I was SO nervous to sing in front of my friends, but I'm so glad that I got it oUT OF THE WAY. It relieved alot of pressure I was feeling about this week. They gave me very helpful constructive criticism and I love them for that. I could have paid someone else, some "professional" $100 to tell me exactly what they told me tonight. Thank God for friends.

We talked about "Falsettoland" and entertained ideas for where we could take it...but really it will just be a group of friends singing together in a living room for the fun of it. But that's the point....we've all worked together before and love and trust each other, and we're all so thirsty for a creative outlet. Talking about this new project made me feel like I was in Pauper Players mode again....and I would be lucky if I could be as happy as that now.

I had to write this all down because this one day, Monday, February 28th, went through a whole span of emotions. The best times are going to be these...sitting in a friend's living room with a $3 bottle of red wine and our unrivaled hope and drive talking about plans for a new creative theatrical project. I'm sure I will look back on these times and wish I had a taste of that same zest. I also need to really relish these days of being 23 and having a 12 hours so full of events and emotions that it feels like a whole week...it certainly keeps things exciting.

So, furthermore with the profound thoughts: DEPEND ON YOUR FRIENDS. FRIENDSHIP AND GOOD COMPANY IS THE BEST CURE FOR ANY AILMENT AND THE WORST OF DAYS.

Slumpity Slump

Okay, I think I've hit my first New York slump. I thought I would just write it out and maybe then I would feel better.

It's stemming from a combination of many things. Last week I was a Brother Jimmy's SLAVE between working my normal hostess shifts and going through training at a new location where I'll be working permanently starting this week. I didn't mind though, thinking that I'd be working as a server and having alot more financial flexibility. Last night, during my last training shift, I finally meet the GM of the store and he informs me that really I'll just be working as a hostess, since he has to offer the serving shifts to other hostesses who have been there longer. FUCK. THAT. I was furious. FURIOUS. I mean, yes, I can pick up shifts at other places, but that's dumb. Secondly, I am $40 short on rent, meaning that I won't even be able to pay in full until Friday when I get a pay check.

Training was also a drag...I was ready by the end of the first shift to take the whole section for the whole shift. I hated having to do it 3 times. I'm also having my special monthly time, so in addition to being irritable, emotional and in pain, my voice is acting fuzzy, which I HOPE is in conjunction with me not drinking enough water. Solution = drink more water. Drink NO alcohol, which I shoudn't be doing ANYWAY this week because I have a showcase on Sunday.

And on to that. I have a Singer's Showcase on Sunday, which I am very excited about, however since I am SO short on money, I don't have any resources to pay for a rehearsal pianist, meaning that my performance will NOT be as strong. Not only can I not pay for the rehearsal, I am slightly concerned that my friends will not all follow through when they said they are coming to support me, meaning I'll have to pay the difference. The only way I can get more money is to work more stupid hostess shifts, which are also conversely TERRIBLE for my voice because Brother Jimmy's is so fucking loud. And then I exhaust myself so that my singing isn't as on par the next day.

A vicious circle of poverty. Not enough money to pay for the constructive things I should be doing for my performing, and then not being able to perform well so I can expend that energy working to earn money. And then I get so depressed about all of this and feeling trapped in a little crack on the sidewalk of Queens that the only possible option to elevate my mood is to drown my sorrows with a bottle of red wine, a solution that is neither affordable nor constructive.

I knew this move would be hard. I KNEW it. And this is only the beginning of the challenges, and I know it's all relative. I'm still excited to be here, and so relieved to have my friends, but this is definitely my first hurdle. I just wish I could take a whole week OFF to decompress and do some things that I would enjoy, like seeing some shows or going to museums, enjoying NEW YORK for goodness sake!

Phew. Sean told me to not fight the feeling, but just go ahead and feel it. FEEL it. Use it. It's food, man. He said the most beautiful thing to me, "Cling to this feeling and go with the flow. It's driftwood." And that is one of the most inspiring things I've heard in awhile....almost inspiring enough for me to write a song.

So, profound thought for the day: SOMETIMES DAYS IN NEW YORK ARE JUST GOING TO SUCK. YOU WON'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING THAT YOU SET OUT TO DO AND YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL DOWN IN THE DUMPS, BUT IT'S OKAY. THE REAL HERO IN YOU COMES THROUGH WHEN YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD DURING THE TIMES WHERE YOU DON'T FEEL SO GREAT.

New Morning

Last night, I had drinks with friends Dayna and Mike at our favorite margarita joint, Blockheads. I am truly the most inspired when I am with people that I love. I had such a good time with them that I decided to wander over to Times Square and enjoy the lights of New York on a Saturday night. It was only about 40 degrees, so it wasn't too cold.

Times Square really can be enchanting if you have a moment to enjoy it. I ended up right next to the New Amsterdam Theatre where Mary Poppins was playing. I remembered this was the theatre where Julie Andrews starred as Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady", and I ended up being able to get a last minute ticket to the performance. My first Broadway show living in New York!

Going to the theatre is truly something magical. The excitement, the glamour, the buzz in the air as the audience takes their seats is a feeling I have almost forgotten about. It was a delightful show...I tried as hard as I could to sit back and let myself be entertained as opposed to analyzing every second of it. It was a great production...and furthermore, I strengthened my belief that I CAN DO THIS. I am just as capable of being up there as anyone else in that cast, but I just have to continue to be strong and believe. The wonderful 11 o'clock number in the show sang a tune to "Anything can happen if you let it...", and I thought, what a wonderful motto! To close the show, Mary Poppins flies over the audience, and I just wept. Someday I will make this happen, but it's not going to be easy, and I know that I just have to prove to universe that I am capable.

After the show, I met a bunch of friends at a karaoke bar on the east side and decided to walk. I walked along 42nd St. past Bryant Park, the New York Public Library, Grand Central Station and the Chrysler Building and just let myself take it in. It was really a New York minute.

I just know that I am exactly right where I need to be at this time.

This morning I'm feeling very inspired and I need to keep looking for auditions!

Lunch with Aunt Betty and Uncle Geoff

Yesterday, my very dear aunt and uncle from Atlanta were in town briefly for a doctor's appointment. I wasn't happy about the circumstances, because Uncle Geoff isn't really well, but I was overjoyed to see them, especially since I've missed the last 4 consecutive family gatherings.

They took me to Brasserie on 53rd and Lexington Ave...and were sweet enough to offer me anything on the menu. With all my options, what do you think I ordered? A cheeseburger, cooked rare. Yummmm!!! Honestly, with all this ramen noodle eating, a solid serving of beef really is a treat for me. We had such a great time, they talked about old fun times they had in New York in their early twenties, right when they had starting dating. I've always loved spending time with Aunt Betty and Uncle Geoff...and I know it's been important to my mom for me to grow up with them. They have such a strong marriage. I began talking about how many of my friends had started to pair off, forgetting that the two of them have been together for over 4 years...married for 37.

I began to think about how blessed I would be to have such a marriage. No, it hasn't been easy. But I feel like Aunt Betty and Uncle Geoff truly embody the vows you think of when married. They are also such a great match for each other, even 37 years later. They fit into each other's families. They come from similar backgrounds....it just makes me really reflect when I think about the life that I want as I move forward. It really just makes sense to be with someone who has a similar background, I think. As experimental and adventurous as I am, there are some things that will never change. I don't know where I'll want to live or what I'll be doing, but I know exactly what kind of home I want.

Having lunch with them also brought me a little down to earth. I am so happy that I am here pursuing a career in singing, and each and every day is new and exciting. However, should I get really lucky and continue forward, I know that singing alone won't make me completely happy. Being here so far, I have learned that I'm really the most happy as long as I'm surrounded by people that I love and trust. If I can be creatively stimulated in addition to that, I could never ask for anything more. I know that I want a family and a home where I can give and love and nurture. I want that more than singing, because, at the end of my life, I predict I will be much more fulfilled at Thanksgiving with a table full of family than a drawer full of programs.

Aunt Betty and Uncle Geoff, and my mom, of course, have been crucial in instilling this value in me.

So, piece of wisdom for the day: KEEP YOURSELF SURROUNDED WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE, AND YOU'LL NEVER BE UNHAPPY.

Singing at the Stonewall Inn

I've made 2 consecutive appearances now at the Stonewall Inn on Wednesday night where they're holding this American Idol-esque singing competition. Jordan's boyfriend Matty is a contestant, and I was happy to go support him. He has a pants-dropping voice and such a strong and secure performance style, all a huge surprise from this short, Hawaiian-born gum surgeon.

The judges are the best part of this contest. Last night we had 2 drag queens, and 2 other producer guys, who I'm 90% sure were gay. I thought at the end of the show it would be beneficial to introduce myself to these folks...I mean, you never know, right? As it turns out the one dude knew one of the showcases I'm singing in, and was likely to be there.

The other dude was a character. And thus brings me to my piece of advice for myself for this post.

ALOT OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO LISTEN TO THEMSELVES TALK. This one judge stood there with an arm around me talking for 20 solid minutes, basically explaining the competition to me and how it worked (I was like Dude...I'm not stupid...) and mentioned about 20 times that he goes to see 300 shows a year and this is what he does....blah blah blah. It was funny. He probably won't even remember me, but that's okay.

I just need to learn the difference between who is worth listening to for 20 minutes, and who is just saying words. I recognize the fact that I'll run into alot of cocky people as I move forward, and that's okay.

First of the First

I keep having these moments of inspiration on the subway or walking down the street and I keep thinking "I SHOULD WRITE THIS DOWN".

And so I begin.

Just your typical story. 4 weeks ago, on January 25th, 2011, I got off the train at Penn Station with 2 suitcases, $500, a heart full of dreams and a head full of determination. I had a job lined up, a few industry contacts, a map of the subway in my head and a very important support network of friends. I got straight to business. I found a furnished sublet upon my 2nd day in Astoria and didn't waste any time going to auditions.

And, as I expected, I was challenged. Balancing a 7 hour host shift which requires talking over a bar full of 200 people, blaring drunk music followed by a 7 am singers call, doing it all over again and trying to afford rent, a subway pass, and a week's worth of ramen noodles isn't for everyone. I am loving every minute of it.

I am hungry for this life. I am, right now, in exactly the right place at the right time in the world. I have high ambitions and expectations, but I have to remind myself to be realistic and be smart in my approach. I wanted to document some of my early words of wisdom to myself so I can remember them when I get down.

1) SHOW UP.

It's been said before, "Showing up is half the battle." Actually, it's WAY more than that. If you can just GET yourself to wherever you're going, no matter how early, no matter what it is, you can usually get something from it. Even if it's just a chance to practice the art of auditioning, you will gain something. At least for now, in the early stages of things.

2) PAY ATTENTION.

Don't get all "artisty" getting lost in your iPod or your music or daydreaming about whoever the yummy looking man who was making eyes at you on the subway was. Pay attention, because if something changes, or they call your name, or 50 people ahead of you aren't there, you'll want to hear it when the monitor makes an announcement.

3) SPEAK THE TRUTH AND LOVE.

Everyone there is trying to do what you are too. So, sympathize. It isn't necessary to be overly nice or fake with anyone, but you never know who is watching you in the waiting room, who is standing next to you in the elevator, OR who you could be working with 6 months from now.

4) DON'T BE ATTACHED TO OUTCOMES.

It's NOT about you. It's about the audience. Always. It's a business, and you're the product. So separate who you are from what you do as a performer as much as possible. "Rejection" isn't because you're a gigantic loser...it's because you don't fit the product. Not personal.