It's stemming from a combination of many things. Last week I was a Brother Jimmy's SLAVE between working my normal hostess shifts and going through training at a new location where I'll be working permanently starting this week. I didn't mind though, thinking that I'd be working as a server and having alot more financial flexibility. Last night, during my last training shift, I finally meet the GM of the store and he informs me that really I'll just be working as a hostess, since he has to offer the serving shifts to other hostesses who have been there longer. FUCK. THAT. I was furious. FURIOUS. I mean, yes, I can pick up shifts at other places, but that's dumb. Secondly, I am $40 short on rent, meaning that I won't even be able to pay in full until Friday when I get a pay check.
Training was also a drag...I was ready by the end of the first shift to take the whole section for the whole shift. I hated having to do it 3 times. I'm also having my special monthly time, so in addition to being irritable, emotional and in pain, my voice is acting fuzzy, which I HOPE is in conjunction with me not drinking enough water. Solution = drink more water. Drink NO alcohol, which I shoudn't be doing ANYWAY this week because I have a showcase on Sunday.
And on to that. I have a Singer's Showcase on Sunday, which I am very excited about, however since I am SO short on money, I don't have any resources to pay for a rehearsal pianist, meaning that my performance will NOT be as strong. Not only can I not pay for the rehearsal, I am slightly concerned that my friends will not all follow through when they said they are coming to support me, meaning I'll have to pay the difference. The only way I can get more money is to work more stupid hostess shifts, which are also conversely TERRIBLE for my voice because Brother Jimmy's is so fucking loud. And then I exhaust myself so that my singing isn't as on par the next day.
A vicious circle of poverty. Not enough money to pay for the constructive things I should be doing for my performing, and then not being able to perform well so I can expend that energy working to earn money. And then I get so depressed about all of this and feeling trapped in a little crack on the sidewalk of Queens that the only possible option to elevate my mood is to drown my sorrows with a bottle of red wine, a solution that is neither affordable nor constructive.
I knew this move would be hard. I KNEW it. And this is only the beginning of the challenges, and I know it's all relative. I'm still excited to be here, and so relieved to have my friends, but this is definitely my first hurdle. I just wish I could take a whole week OFF to decompress and do some things that I would enjoy, like seeing some shows or going to museums, enjoying NEW YORK for goodness sake!
Phew. Sean told me to not fight the feeling, but just go ahead and feel it. FEEL it. Use it. It's food, man. He said the most beautiful thing to me, "Cling to this feeling and go with the flow. It's driftwood." And that is one of the most inspiring things I've heard in awhile....almost inspiring enough for me to write a song.
So, profound thought for the day: SOMETIMES DAYS IN NEW YORK ARE JUST GOING TO SUCK. YOU WON'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING THAT YOU SET OUT TO DO AND YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL DOWN IN THE DUMPS, BUT IT'S OKAY. THE REAL HERO IN YOU COMES THROUGH WHEN YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD DURING THE TIMES WHERE YOU DON'T FEEL SO GREAT.
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